Walking With a Lawyer

Sometimes I get bored. The more pathetic thing is when I get bored and lonely. I know that the loneliness is just a byproduct of living alone and studying and having work that is mostly solitary. In fact, it doesn't make me sad, it just makes me antsy. So what do I do when I am antsy? I look for things..... on craigslist.

I read all of the missed connections. I read the women for men. I read the men for women. I don't usually read the other sections because, well, they just don't interest me. I never usually read these things with the intent of actually going on dates or responding, but I don't read them innocently either. I have, on occasion, responded to these personal m for w ads. The first time I did this, I responded to two ads, and went on one date. It was by far the worst date of my life.

I hadn't yet moved, but I was planning my move when I responded to this ad. I cannot for the life of me remember the guy's name... and this is a good thing. At first everything seemed cool. I told him that I would be coming into town and that if he wanted to grab a drink I would probably be able to swing it. When he called me to set up a time, I should have been on my toes, because he suggested that we go for a walk to millennium Park because I was "new to the city." I replied, "I am not new to the city, I lived here a few years ago." No Dice... he wanted to do it, and that's what the plan was. So, I got into the city, gave him a call and we pick a place to meet up. I waited outside his building for approximately 20 minutes, until he finally comes out. Now, it was not a beautiful day. The sky was grey, there was a slight wind, but it wasn't super COLD. However, I was wearing flip flops, so my feet were not exactly toasty. The Date called my flip flops "slippers" and I knew I was in for a treat.

TD: So, let's walk to millennium Park.
Me: You really want to do that?
TD: Yes.
ME: Oh, ok... I was just a little hungry cause I haven't eaten since before I left-- about 8 hours ago.
TD: Well, millennium Park is cool. We'll see what's up from there.
ME: OK.

We commence walking. I ask him about how the whole "craigslist" dating thing is going... he tries to be a smart ass and tell me about "crazy people" that he's dated and completely fails in his attempts. I respond with "Oh really," approximately 19 times in a 5 min conversation, if that counts as conversation. Once we get to the park I am trying to understand who this guy is. He's shorter than me, went to better schools then me, but there is something seriously wrong with him... I couldn't place my finger on it, but I knew that it would eventually come through.

Me: I try to see the best in all people. I have a hard time as seeing people as worthless.
TD: What are you? Some kind of hippie?
Me: No, I'm just a tree hugger. (yep, I am officially annoyed).

We keep walking around, talking about nothing. He mildly insults me a couple of times, I brush it off. His insults were not really like "you are fat" or "your a moron", but more like "gosh, you are naive," or "good luck with your career, because I am a much more successful lawyer than you." I know that some people do this, and to be honest I didn't really care what he thought about my chosen career path. I had him written off within 10 minutes of spending time with him, and at this point I was completely along for the ride.

After 45 minutes of walking through the park, TD suggests that we do something else. I told him that I was hungry, and I would be up for an appetizer. He ignored me, and instead decided that we would go to the Chicago Cultural Center to look at Tiffany's vases.

TD: Do you like Tiffany's vases.
Me: Um.....
TD: Ok! Let's go.
Me: Umm..

My stomach was growling. I couldn't give a shit about these stupid vases. Even if my mom collected them as a hobby, at that point in time I would not have given a rat's ass about those damned vases. I wanted to go home. I was cold. I was hungry. I thought this guy was an ass. But I stayed, maybe because I wanted to see if it would get worse, but probably because I just didn't know what else to do. So we walked across the street into the Chicago Cultural Center.

If you have never been in there, they have beautiful tile mosaics. I was blown away by the intricacy of the blues and greens and how they came together to make the most beautiful designs. I stopped right there in my tracks, and looked around for maybe 10 seconds, but I could have stared for days.

TD: Come on.
Me: But look.....
TD: (interrupting) Come on, lets go see this.

The signs pointed to the right, but he walked up the stairs where there appeared to be some kind of event. It was 6:58, and a classical east Indian music concert was beginning at 7.

TD: Do you like classical Indian music?
Me: Not really. I'll listen to it if it's in the background.
TD: Want to go to this concert?
Me: No.
TD: Come on, let's go.
Me: I really don't want to.
TD: What? You don't like culture?
Me: I do, but I am hungry, and I don't care about Indian music, and I don't really want to go.
TD: We won't stay for the whole thing. Let's go.
Me: Fine.

My inner voice kicked in, and began to scream. "UGH!!!! This guy has not listened to a freaking word I have said since we have met up. What the hell? Doesn't he realize that when I say I am hungry, that doesn't mean that I want to go to a classical Indian music concert? What the fucking hell? All right [you]... Grab a brochure, read it, ignore him, and ride it out until you can split." So I did just that.

We sat down to the side of the stage, away from most of the crowd, and I began to read the brochure. A mother and her son, approximately 5 yrs old came and sat in front of us, the mother in front of me, and the son in front of TD. I looked up from reading the brochure and TD grabbed it out of my hand. My inner monologue began again. "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? Who does that? I was reading that you prick! Who the hell do you think you are you self-centered short man? Your behavior is coincides DIRECTLY with short-guy syndrome. When is this going to be over?"

TD and I had been sitting in the chairs for maybe 3 minutes. Suddenly the son begins climbing on his chair and accidentally scoots it back 2 feet. TD has his legs crossed and his shoe is in the air, and the son with the chair moved towards his shoes.

Me: Hi! (to the son)
TD: Do you like kids?
Me: Yes, why? Don't you?
TD: Not when they almost ruin my $200 pair of shoes.

"No fucking way did he just say that. Oh my god, get me the hell out of here!" I looked around for exits, tried to text some friends to conjure up an "emergency" but nothing was coming through. I was in a dead cell hole. The concert hadn't started and I was completely ready to bail. It was now 7:05.

TD: They should at least start on time.
Me: It's not bad.
TD: Yeah, but still, seven is seven.
Me: It's not that big of a deal.
TD: Why do they do this? I mean, come on it's not that hard to start on time
Me: Really, of all things to complain about, you pick some dumb ones.
TD: What does that mean?
Me: That you complain about stupid things.

I was mean. I admit it. I had reached my limit and I was not about to cater to his complaints, his sarcasm, his general negative sense of being. Finally the music started, and I sat there listening. TD kept leaning in to say things to me, and I would respond with some kind of snarky comment, and hope that he would get the hint. At first the music started out slowly with lots of string plucking. Then some bongo type drums kicked in, and the music picked up tempo. To be honest, I didn't hate it. I just didn't want to be there with him anymore. After about 20 minutes of the music, TD asked if I was ready to go. I jumped up and walked right out, with TD following me like a puppy dog. I tried to go towards the exit, because I assumed that when he said, "Are you ready to leave?" he meant leave the Cultural Center. Not so much.

TD took my hand, as though he were my dad, and led me to the other side of the Cultural Center where there was an empty atrium. This atrium also had mosaics, but they were masculine. Right in front of the room there was a plaque describing what the room had been used for previously, and since I had never been there before I began to read the plaque. TD walked into the room, and amazed that I didn't follow him, asked what I was doing.

Me: Reading the plaque so I know what this room is about.
TD: Why?
Me: Because I want to know. Why not?

TD comes over and begins hovering over my shoulder. "This guy is definitely invading your space. Do you think that he actually likes you? He's acting like he is attracted to you... With the touching and the leaning and the hovering. How on earth can this guy like me? I have been nothing but bitchy for the past hour. Ugh.. He obviously does not have any kind of social skills whatsoever."

TD: So, what's it about?
Me: Whatever the plaque says.
TD: Aren't these mosaics better than the other ones?
Me: No. I liked the other ones better. These have no color.
TD: How can you say that?
Me: Because I have better taste than you. We obviously are not compatible. "This will totally give him the hint."
TD: I don't agree. I think these are better. Can't you see? Look at "blah blah blah blah".
Me: This is exactly why we are not compatible.
TD: So, what do you like?
Me: Not this room. Are you ready to go?
TD: Sure.

I thought that by this point, TD would realize that 1. I was not interested and therefore 2. We would not be hugging, or going on a second date. I had the feeling though, that he did not seem to understand this as we were walking out. We got to the steps and he looked at me with some kind of expectation, although I didn't really know what he thought.

TD: Sooo.
Me: [Extending my hand to shake his] It was nice meeting you. See you around.
TD: Um. Okay?
Me: Later.

I scurried down the steps and power walked to the nearest bus stop. Once I was safely on the bus away from any of the last two hours of events I text messaged my friends with "I just went on the worst date ever." It was 8 pm, and I was still hungry.